So I watched both Pocahontas movies for the first time in, literally, about ten years today. They were both pretty ridiculous. For example, did you notice how quickly John Smith and Pocahontas got past the language barrier in the first one? Sketchy.
Anyway, I had forgotten about how dang attractive John Rolfe is. I realize that half the planet hates his guts for wooing Pocahontas and dragging her away from her beloved John Smith, but LOOK AT HIM.
He’s got his smokey gray eyes, walnut colored hair, gentlemanly nod of respect towards his girl Pocahontas. Lest you forget, John Smith had a gun pointed at her face when they first met. A GUN. Rolfe may have been utterly ridiculous, but at least he tried to be polite.
Here are ten good reasons why JR is better than JS:
1. He’s got historical accuracy to back him up, so eat dirt, haters!
(Awwww. Poor John Smith, gettin’ himself sent back to London after leaping heroically in front of Chief Powhatan. WRONG. He actually fell asleep with a sack of gunpowder tied around his waist and woke up to it burning his body. Because he’s a genius.)
2. Rolfe was totally supportive of Pocahontas fighting for her people. Smith was like, “BLAH BLAH BLAH. THEY WON’T LISTEN TO YOU. BLAH BLAH BLAH.”
3. John Smith thought Pocahontas would be totally cool with exploring the world with him. John Rolfe gave up EVERYTHING to live with her and her people. What a champ.
4. While the whole Han Solo-esque ruffianness of John Smith is kinda attractive, JR and his gentlemanly ways are far too charming. The guy’s like the cartoon epitome of Matthew Macfadyen in Little Dorrit.
5. John Smith was a mysterious, handsome stranger who conveniently arrived right when Pocahontas’s dad was like, “Hey, Kocoum wants to wife you.” IT WAS INFATUATION, PEOPLE.
6. “Oh, John Rolfe made Pocahontas what she was not.” WRONG. He did what he thought was best for her to make peace, and the minute she took a different direction, he was like, “Okay.” Because he loved her, and, might I add, was a lot more obvious about it than stinking John Smith was when they reunited.
7. John Rolfe didn’t go on an “I’ll kill all the savages” rant moments before meeting Pocahontas. That skyrockets him to a 10.
8. Lest you forget again, John Smith is THE REASON why Kocoum was killed.
9. Look at that guy. He knows how to give a sincere compliment.
10. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT THAT FACE. He would have done ANYTHING if he thought it was what Pocahontas wanted. HOW CAN YOU NOT MELT INTO A PILE OF FLESHY MUSH ABOUT THAT?!
I don’t care what people say. John Rolfe is way better than John Smith. End of story.