Gutted

leafyellow.jpg
Marshy trout scales
slough off onto our fingers
as our knives run
like sailboats through the skin.
Two days old, our fish decay,
fetal in our palms, 
bellies agape and spilling 
amber threads in swirls 
across November-drenched pavement.
Your nose crinkles beneath 
your wide doe eyes
while you say,
“You get points for this.” 
Points for holding back vomit 
and digging blood from my fingernails
and gliding a knife through tender vitals.
Points for pulling a hook out of an upper lip as soft 
as a child’s cheek.
But nothing for the day we sat 
in clouds of yellow leaves that fell and died 
atop your car, drenched in rain.
The day you tried to tell me I was good enough,
admitting that I wasn’t really good enough for you. 
Nothing for that time
when you drove away for good, 
when I watched you, standing broken from the curb.
No reward for cracking myself open except your cool, brown eyes 
and the way you said you knew me 
when you didn’t, 
when you left
too soon to know a thing. 
A few days old, this “us” decayed, 
fetal in my palms, 
left me wounded and agape
atop November-drenched pavement.

This is a poem I wrote over a year ago, revised and played with.

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3 comments

    1. @Darwin

      Every person I’ve dated has been important to me. I find this comment really presumptuous and, honestly, a bit insulting. I wouldn’t respond except that I don’t think that was your intention and you probably should know.

      1. Very true. It certainly Was NOT my intention to be insulting to you. And I am VERY glad you let me know.

        I sincerely and unequivocally apologize for being both presumptuous and insulting.

        And, no doubt, with a little bit more thought and consideration on my part, I would have chosen my words more carefully instead of simply reacting to the presumption of his part of “knowing” you, and stating that you were not good enough for him.

        One can take the time and make the effort and read all of your blogs…which I highly recommend,(although I haven’t yet) as you are a talented and intelligent and expressive writer…and truly only scratch the surface of knowing you. There is much you hold in reserve. You’ve said as much.

        Being a guy, I get the sad inside scoop of how too many guys operate. I become aware of patterns, Many of which are shallow and self-centered.

        And callous.

        I know about guys that go on their missions because it looks good on their resume and the spine of their scriptures is not cracked before they go.

        And the guys who, years later, state that their missions were the most spiritual time of their lives. So they “peaked” at 19.

        This is the gospel of eternal progression….right?

        Guys who think converts are second class Mormons because their ancestors didn’t cross the plains…overlooking the fact that their ancestors who crossed the plains were actually converts.

        And yes, there are relationships that don’t work (I’ve had more of those than you, and hopefully, more than you will ever have) but there is loving consideration and kindness that can be present in the end of a relationship.

        Not just at the beginning.

        Every person you’ve dated is important to you because you’ve invested your heart into the relationship.

        The sad fact is that many guys don’t.

        That being said, I’ve met many girls who don’t either.

        And yes…when I made the comment you found offensive., I was already mid-rant (in my head) triggered by another circumstance.

        People don’t always take enough consideration in regards to how sensitive a person may be.

        I did assume he did that to you.

        I was awkwardly trying to communicate that you should not believe that you were not good enough for him.

        Leave it to me to mess that up.

        Again, I apologize.