Big Fear

What are you afraid of? 
My answer to this question has evolved several times throughout my life. In elementary school, I would have said getting called on in class. In high school, I would have said leaving all of my friends behind. As a freshman in college, my answer was the future. And as I’ve gone to school and grown into a woman, that answer has been sort of elusive, found in quite a few things. 
Being on the KissCam. 
Heartbreak.
Graduation.  
Vulnerability.
Singing karaoke.  
Pain. 
Being alone. 
Failure. 

With a little more clarity now, I think the thing I fear the most is that I am not and will never be enough. I worry that I’ll never be enough for a future employer, that I’ll never be enough as a student; I worry that I’ll never be enough in the callings I’ve been given, and that I’ll never be enough to the men I date.  
I am a perfectionist living inside of a body and a heart and a mind that are far from perfect. And I am so cruel sometimes. 
You didn’t get the job because you’re not good enough of a speaker, Ari.
You didn’t get the grade because you didn’t do enough work. 
You’re not magnifying your calling like you should be; you’re not doing enough. 
He stopped dating you because you weren’t smart, beautiful, fun, or good enough. 

Everyone falls short at some point, but for me, falling short is incredibly and personally painful. I don’t know how to compensate for shortcomings like I should, and a lot of times, I feel like I’m to blame for them.  
How does a person become “enough”? How can you apply the Atonement in a way that gives you no doubt that, yes, you are enough? 
I think I know, but when I have to ask myself the same questions, I wonder. 


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2 comments

  1. Yes, I'm totally reading through your blog backwards.
    I suppose the simpler question is "How do you apply the Atonement?" I figure, if you don't have that peace and confidence then you're probably not applying the Atonement (correctly or at all).

    Along those lines, I was reading Isaiah 53 a couple weeks ago and verse 10 caught my attention: "…when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand." When I (me) make His (Christ's) soul an offering for sin. How do I make Christ's soul an offering for sin?

    Now this is Isaiah speaking. Being of priestly lineage, he would have been intimately familiar with the existing temple rights of his time, notably the sacrifice of the sin offering, and their meaning. The people he wrote to would not have missed the clear reference to the sin offering in verse 10.

    Not saying I know the answer to your question, but I'm pretty sure a big part of it is wrapped up in that verse.

  2. You do realize of course that if God wanted everything done perfectly, He would assign everything to Jesus, and leave all of the rest of us to twiddle our thumbs.

    *grins*

    At the risk of becoming repetitive…I have encountered what many would consider to be VERY scary things and situations in life.

    Did I handle them all perfectly? NOPE.

    Did I fumble through and survive anyway leaning on God’s revelations and blessings and miracles? YES!!!!

    I’m NOT perfect. God is. Yay team!

    You are not perfect. God is. Yay team! YOU are not alone. YOU are NEVER alone.

    The interesting thing about your fear list is that all of them (except being on the Kiss Cam) are necessary elements to achieve your goals.

    So avoiding them is kind of like driving with your breaks on.

    Fear is an obstacle. Fear impedes your progress. Fear makes it difficult for you to do what you need to do, and to think what you need to think…to solve problems. Fear can paralyze you. Fear can prevent you from surviving. Fear can kill you

    Why?

    “No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” Edmund Burke (1729-1797) Irish philosopher/statesman

    The best way to defeat a fear is to drag it kicking and screaming into the light, and to see it for what it really is…and the truth of that knowledge will take away it’s power.

    Basically…fear is a lie.

    In every situation I have been in where fear has inserted itself…Heavenly Father was there saying: “Don’t worry. WE’VE got this!”

    So one has to decide which voice…WHOSE voice…to listen to.

    Listen to the lie? Or listen to the truth.

    Sometimes being obedient to God means stepping into the darkness…stepping into the unknown.

    It’s not unknown to God.

    As to…Heartbreak…Vulnerability…Bring alone…

    Remember the words spoken by your older doppelganger…

    “Sigh no more, ladies
    Sigh no more,
    Men were deceivers ever,
    One foot in sea,
    And on on shore,
    To one thing constant never,
    Then sigh not so,
    But let them go,
    And be you blithe and bony,
    Converting all your sounds of woe,
    Into hey nonny nonny!

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