What are you afraid of?
My answer to this question has evolved several times throughout my life. In elementary school, I would have said getting called on in class. In high school, I would have said leaving all of my friends behind. As a freshman in college, my answer was the future. And as I’ve gone to school and grown into a woman, that answer has been sort of elusive, found in quite a few things.
Being on the KissCam.
With a little more clarity now, I think the thing I fear the most is that I am not and will never be enough. I worry that I’ll never be enough for a future employer, that I’ll never be enough as a student; I worry that I’ll never be enough in the callings I’ve been given, and that I’ll never be enough to the men I date.
I am a perfectionist living inside of a body and a heart and a mind that are far from perfect. And I am so cruel sometimes.
You didn’t get the job because you’re not good enough of a speaker, Ari.
You didn’t get the grade because you didn’t do enough work.
You’re not magnifying your calling like you should be; you’re not doing enough.
He stopped dating you because you weren’t smart, beautiful, fun, or good enough.
Everyone falls short at some point, but for me, falling short is incredibly and personally painful. I don’t know how to compensate for shortcomings like I should, and a lot of times, I feel like I’m to blame for them.
How does a person become “enough”? How can you apply the Atonement in a way that gives you no doubt that, yes, you are enough?
I think I know, but when I have to ask myself the same questions, I wonder.