In an effort to see the bright side of life more often, I introduce to you my new blog series, Totally Ari Things. Life is hilariously embarrassing and good. We need only choose to forget the bad, and enjoy the ride. So here are 10 totally Ari things that happened to me this week.
1. I broke something and made a mess.
I was trying to pull a hose from one corner of my boss’s yard to another when it suddenly resisted. Thinking there was a kink, I tugged harder, not looking back at it. “Come on hose,” I muttered. “You can do this.”
*cue sound of snapping sprinkler system, whooshing roar of water, panicked shrieks*
In case you didn’t get that last part, I broke the dang sprinkler pipe and sent gallons of water rushing a good five feet into the air. Then, like the true fool that I am, I tried stopping said water with my hands, my feet, my legs…accidentally every body part, limb, and appendage that exist on me until I finally thought for a moment and called someone who knew what they were doing. My phone was so soaked from the water transferred from cheek to screen that I’m surprised it even knows it’s a phone.
What I hoped I looked like post sprinkler explosion:
|Selena, you cheeky babe, you.|
What I definitely looked like post sprinkler explosion:
2. I improvised.
Our stake held a service project at a scout camp on Monday, and we were basically asked to clean up camp sites. I went with a good friend, and we wandered way far into the woods before we really knew what we were doing. That happens a lot with us. We stumbled upon a site where the fire pit had been dug out real nicely. Assuming it was done, we moved on to another site, and it, too, had a fire pit, except this one hadn’t been dug out yet. Well…neither of us had shovels, but neither of us wanted to be punks who show up to a service project and don’t serve. So we did the only logical thing we could think to do at the time.
We grabbed some sticks and started digging. Nay, scratching. It was more like scratching. We scratched out that fire pit real good. That pit is a whole half inch deeper thanks to us. You’re welcome, Camp Hull.
Plus, I almost felt like Bear Grylls for five minutes. I wouldn’t give those five minutes away for anything.
|Who wouldn’t want to be this dude?|
3. I rebelled in the most un-rebellious way.
If, by rule breaking, we’re talking jaywalking across the street without blinking an eye. What up.
So last Saturday, there was a women’s bike ride with a route that passed by my house. This ride happens every year. I forget about it every year. But this year, I didn’t forget. I decided to hop on my own bike and join them. Which is totally not legal. And course marshals get you in trouble when you do it. Because you just hog up the whole dang road more than necessary when you’re not registered to ride.
I slipped in with everybody else, though, and conveniently, had a backpack to hide any possible race number. Then I just copied everyone else’s signals and biked like I’d been there the whole ride, the whole while glorying in my cleverness.
4. I forgot something extremely important.
I pulled out my glasses, and immediately recoiled in horror as I touched them.
Because when I was in high school, I bought some lensless glasses to complete a nerd Halloween costume and, unbeknownst to me, I had stuck those nerd glasses in my extra glasses case and picked that case up as I was running out the door to meet my friends.
5. I improvised.
Now, I have this thing about going to the bathroom in the wild. I can do it without complaint, but if I don’t have to, I won’t. This time, I had to.
So there I was, scrambling through the woods, trying to find a place. When I did, it was too late before I noticed I was right next to the main path. Don’t worry. Nothing happened, just severe paranoia. Then, to add a cherry to this ice cream sundae of awkwardness, there was nothing but rocks and pine trees around me.
Which means that I may have used pine boughs as toilet paper.
Yeah. I know what you’re thinking.
6. I had a public wardrobe issue.
On Tuesday, I bike to my Institute class in Smithfield. It’s a nice little uphill ride that gets my body prime before my spirit gets primed. Well, this last Tuesday, we had a luau outside, and it was pretty hot out. When I got there, my jersey smelled like a sack of death. Predicting this, I packed extra clothes. What I didn’t predict is that the church house door would be locked, thus forcing me to change in a concealed space outside.
Well, this was one of those churches that has a nice little walled area around its generators and satellite, so I thought, “That’ll work.”
Yeah. Didn’t realize that that nice little walled area was built in such a way that it had close to 100 brick-sized holes all over it. Which means that anyone looking could see into it. Which means that I sucked my body into a corner and changed faster than Jeb Bush’s opinions on Iraq.
Close to 200 people had the opportunity to see me. Ooh la la.
7. I bought something I’m ashamed of.
Anticipating this climbing excursion at City of Rocks, I went to the mall to look for a lightweight t-shirt to climb in. I ended up in Rue 21 staring at a wall full of cellphone supplies. Specifically, what I endearingly call the “Tool Stick.” AKA: selfie stick.
Three weeks ago, I was mocking people who use these things. Selfie-sticks are like the tech product equivalent of Justin Bieber’s music — anyone who uses one is either shamelessly committed, or they do so in the cloak of secrecy so no one will mock them. Understandably, because selfie-sticks are RIDICULOUS.
Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but like the Cherokee legend of the two wolves, I was torn by two halves of a whole as I looked at those sticks, the wolf of “maintain your good name, your reputation — don’t buy this” and the wolf of “imagine how legit you’re gonna look with a selfie-stick shot of your ripped biceps at the top of a monster wall.” My mind could not push back the image of climbing a steep rock wall and pulling out a stick to get an epic panoramic shot of my climb. It was all I thought about for 20 minutes as I slinked through the store, pretending to look interested in less embarrassing items, like underwear.
Finally, 20 minutes later, I snatched one off of the shelf, buried it under a shirt I bought, and shoved it on the counter to buy it. Emotional beads of sweat collected on my figurative head as I heard someone come up behind me in line. They were looking over my shoulder. Judging me. I knew it.
I nervously spluttered, “Does anybody by these things, because I feel so stu–?”
“Yeah,” the cashier said, clipping the tags off of my purchases with deft, manicured fingers. “Lots and lots of people do.”
“That’ll be $26.”
Purchases in hand, I zipped out of that joint, my new possession safely stuffed away. And in case you’re wondering about my epic climbing picture…the sun got in my eyes and it ended up being a close up of my shoulder with a hill in the distance. That I didn’t notice until we were done climbing.
8. I nearly died.
I went bouldering and got stuck on the edge of a giant rock that plummeted a good 30-40 feet to the ground. When I say stuck, I mean that my back was against the drop and I was clinging for dear life on narrow holds as my hands grew sticky with sweat and I had no place else to go.
This might be a somewhat sorta frequent occurrence. Kinda sorta. Don’t freak out, Mom. It’s all good.
8. I acted weird in public.
Then, I went to Jurassic World and clapped and cheered when it started. But quietly. Because everyone else was just not feelin’ it.
DINOSAURS, PEOPLE. GET EXCITED ABOUT THE FREAKING DINOSAURS.
10. I got blocked.
I got blocked by freaking Lagoon, guys. You know. The place that’s all “It’s where fun is”? Yeah. They hate me and they blocked me from interacting with their Facebook page because I voiced my concerns about their Wild Kingdom ride. Note to self: add “Express a contrary opinion on anything ever” to my rapidly growing list of “Things to Do to Get People to Hate Your Guts.”
The good news, though, is I now have even less incentives to spend $40 to slump around a park that smells like cigarettes, garbage, body odor, and vomit. Hooray!
What’s something totally you that happened to you this week? Share in the comments and I’ll laugh with ya.