LET’S TALK ABOUT STAR WARS ALREADY.

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If you have not yet watched this trailer, I don’t know how it’s possible that you are human. Seriously. Are you even breathing right now? WATCH IT. IMMEDIATELY.

To be fair, it was wedged in the middle of some football game on ESPN and then crept onto the Internet like a Sith in cashmere socks, so I could almost excuse your oversight. Except that this is Star Wars we’re talking about and practically the most important thing in the entire universe right now, nbd.

The final trailer of Star Wars: Episode VII is here! IT’S HEEEEEERRRREEE. That means the film comes out in two months. That means I’m so excited, I could explode. Like Alderaan, may it rest in peace.

First: John Williams’ music is STUNNING. Tears were almost shed when I heard “Han Solo and the Princess” reprised. The man is unmatched.

Second: Are we never going to talk about the fact that John Boyega is a black guy playing a clone? This trailer makes it seem like he’s been a clone his whole life. HOW. I love him, but how? Did the Empire have a backup template in case all five billion Jango Fetts turned out to be duds? It is obvious that Jango couldn’t aim, as we all know. So maybe.

Third: Kylo Ren. He shouldn’t talk. Ever. He doesn’t sound like a Sith apprentice rising from the ashes of the Vader regime. He sounds like Kevin McCallister reserving a hotel room with his dad’s credit card.

Fourth: Rey is Han and Leia’s daughter, she has the Force, and it’s inevitable that she’s going to use a lightsaber at some point. #IMHO

Fifth: Isn’t old Harrison Ford just so endearing?

Sixth: What’s up with Kylo Ren’s zombie army at minute 1:24? Who is this freak?

Seventh: If you don’t love all of this TIE fighter/X-Wing drama, you are an android with no human feelings. Period. You need to go home and rethink your life.

Eighth: There is so much poetry in an older Han admitting what a younger Han would not believe, that the Force is real. Gospel analogies abound right there.

Ninth: I desperately, DESPERATELY want to see more of the chrome trooper. Make this a thing, J.J.

Tenth: Rey and Finn are going to be a thing, unless that rebel pilot with the luscious locks swoops in and ruins that, which will probably happen.

Eleventh: Luke is a dead man. Like, seriously. He’s either dead or he’s holed up in a hut somewhere like Obi Wan. He’s not on the posters, he’s not in the trailer. Why does Leia look sad? He’s dead. Start your grieving now before you get caught off guard later. He is dead. Either that or he’s Kylo Ren. What a plot twist that would be.

Twelfth: They pack that trailer with so much stuff that you almost forget about the fact that Finn is going up against Kylo Ren with a lightsaber. Woefully outmatched? Or secretly an underdog? Only time will tell. Speaking of time,

CAN DECEMBER BE NOW?!

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7 comments

  1. Boyoga doesn't play a clone trooper, he's a storm trooper. When the Empire was formed they stopped using all clones and took enlisted and conscripted soldiers as well, which explains the height differences in the old movies, as well as the terrible aim.

  2. Mark my worlds…Kylo Ren is none other than Rey's brother…the son of Han and Lea. Luke did his best to train Kylo but when he saw what a monster he created he went into exile. (Or perhaps Kylo KILLED LUKE!?!) That explains why Lea is so sad! There you go, my own fan theory.

  3. Okay. I would be terribly surprised if Luke is dead to begin with in this movie. I'm also hoping that he doesn't die like both mentor characters in The Phantom Menace (Qui-Gon Jinn) and A New Hope (Obi-Wan/Ben Kenobi). Also, if you listen to the end of the trailer, Luke's theme (the main theme of Star Wars) is faintly playing. I'll bet he has a significant role to play in this movie, though to what end, I'm not sure.