The truth of the matter is that I am good at my job. I am very good. When I make mistakes, I never make them again. I listen intently. I pay attention to areas where I can improve, and in areas of high risk, I’m extra cautious. That’s why today’s mistake was pretty humiliating. I authorized something that I shouldn’t have, not because I didn’t know, not because I hadn’t been trained to be careful, but because, in a moment of sheer impatience, I went ahead and did something about it. It was an item on my to-do list, and I wanted it gone.
It was a mistake that I don’t make. Or so I thought.
The truth is that even in moments when we think we’re doing well or we’ve convinced ourselves that we’re on the right track, those small weaknesses we leave unchecked can derail us. Impatience is one of them for me.
Lately, I’ve been so impatient for a lot of things to happen in my life. I’m impatient to get to snow season so that I can break out my snowboard. I’m impatient for my year mark at my job to come, because I’ve been considering making a big(ish) move, and I want to give what I promised before then. I’m impatient about my relationships with other people. Mostly, I’m impatient with myself, because frankly, I’ve been screwing up a lot lately. I’m going through a lot of hard, internal battles that I’ve never confronted but have needed to fight for a very long time, battles over paradigms and attitudes that aren’t healthy or productive. And enduring that has been lonely and difficult.
“Endure to the end” is perhaps the hardest challenge of this life. Having the patience to endure is the first step.You know what’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about endurance, specifically in the context of Christ asking us to endure? The Atonement. How could anyone endure that? How could anyone have the patience to get through that? Perhaps that’s the challenge with the Atonement — if I had to do it, I would give up. I’d never be able to make it. Maybe that’s why I struggle to comprehend it.
I don’t want to mess up my whole life in moments of impatience. Sometimes I feel I’ve done that. How do you endure? Tell me. It’s a mystery I long to solve in my own life.