7 Things that Happen When You’re an Outdoor Retail Shopaholic

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Since I started working in outdoor retail, gear and clothing have evolved into my proverbial carrot on a stick. You could legitimately drape a Patagonia down sweater vest over a bear trap and I would probably tear my limbs apart trying to grab it. My addiction is that bad.

To help you understand the extent of my problem, here are 10 things that happen when you’re obsessed with the outdoors and work in outdoor retail to boot:

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The word ‘need’ becomes relative, AKA you completely forget what it means. 

Everything becomes “an investment.” You start by ‘needing’ a tent so that you can go on a big camping trip this summer. Then you decide you ‘need’ a WindBurner camp stove to take with you, because otherwise you’ll starve. Before you know it, you ‘need’ a gravity pulled water filter, a $300 YETI cooler, and a fully stocked Bear Grylls survival kit, because if a Bear Grylls flint and match set can’t save you, what can?

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“I see you’re buying Ozark Trail and World Famous. Is that because you think it’s good? ‘Cuz it’s not. You could be buying MSR if you wanted to.”

You hardcore judge your neighbors with Walmart brand gear. 

Seemingly overnight, as if the Miss Havisham of outdoor gear has ushered you into her presence and introduced you to what life is like for the other side, you turn into a brand snob with great expectations. You might have a water and cracker budget, but you’ve got wine and cheese taste. You look at Arc’teryx jackets as if you can one day afford them. You kick yourself for buying a Kelty bag instead of the $100 more Osprey a year ago. Whenever anybody manhandles cheap gear as if they’re going to buy it, you cry a little on the inside. You want to save them from their poor choices as you toss 70% of your budget into name brand gear instead of groceries. You blatantly ignore the irony.

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You pick up more hobbies than you can control. 

You started out as just a rock climber. Now you’re juggling trail running, hiking, camping, cycling, backpacking, and snowboarding. Why? Because sales. Because employee discount. Because, like how boys describe having a girlfriend, Mother Nature and your desire to do things with her are sucking your wallet dry. Soon it gets to the point where you’re walking out of the store with a new pair of skis bought on season clearance, and you’ve got a big, stupid grin on your face because it still hasn’t fully occurred to you that you might not even like skiing — you’ve only ever snowboarded! You could have been the female Tommy Caldwell & Kevin Jorgeson one day, but instead, you’re just a semi-broke girl with a lot of new hobbies you’re equally mediocre at.

Get you a man who can do both.

You become inanely attracted to men (or women) in North Face/Patagonia jackets. 

Like charisma or Old Spice, name brand outdoor gear on a man instantly grabs your attention. You claim you don’t have a type as you swipe right on rock climbers wearing ThermoBall jackets. You say that personality matters, but most of your crushes are scruffy gents whose Facebook profiles consist of magazine quality outdoors shots of them in Nano Puff vests. You get to that weird place where you see the gear before you see the guy. It gets even more complicated when their photos include epic mountainscapes in the background and you can’t tell if you want to go on a date with the man more or the mountain…

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“No, Ari, I don’t care that my shoes have Vibram soles.”

You become that annoying friend who tells everybody everything about their gear. 

When they’re wearing hiking boots that you own, you have to comment. When they’re using brands you love, you have to gush about them. Secretly, everyone probably hates this, but you receive so much validation for your purchases when you do this that you don’t care and do it anyway.

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Your wardrobe goes from “bum on the street” to granola chic.

You become that person who swears by prAna pants and only wears prAna pants. You realize you have some weird kind of problem when you look in your shirt drawer and 90% of the things in there are plaid. You start wearing hiking shoes that double as normal shoes, and on the weekends, you wear Chacos and baseball hats. You never used to wear baseball hats. Outdoor retail has ruined you.

You run out of money. 

Financial karma is a wench.

 

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3 comments

  1. The maximum of temptation combined with the maximum of opportunity!

    I recommend that you take a definitive picture of a Bigfoot and use the sale of same to finance your habit,

    As a kid I had a new telescoping fishing rod. My cousin had a rock tied to a string and stick. I offered to share my fishing rod. He declined. Guess who caught more fish?

    Lesson learned.

    My uncle taught a survival class, the culmination of which you were abandoned on an island for a week or more with a very small container of things. No tent. No sleeping bag. No food. No water. Everything you did not take…you found…built …MacGyver-ed.

    Less is more.

    But…

    More CAN be fun!

  2. I feel like such and enabler!

    So in my above comment, please switch “More CAN be fun!” to “Twelve Step Program!”

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