New Fears

Today I ticked another box on the long list of things that humans can be afraid of.

‘Great white sharks’ was checked when I was eight and watched Jaws for the first time at my aunt’s house, ‘my body’ was checked when I tried on prom dresses in high school and realized how awkwardly they fit over pudge, and ‘love’ was checked and unchecked and checked again when I slipped headlong into another something punctuated with far too many plans and far too many careless goodbyes.

Today, I ticked off a box I didn’t even know was one.

It happened with a phone call, just a simple call from a man in New York City who had received the wrong shipment. Sirens echoed behind him, and in an instant, I stopped hearing his voice, stopped noticing if he even had the accent. Through that palm-shaped receiver I saw streets and cities, the busy rushing of career men and women down the sidewalks, the honks of taxis and the clicking pawls of bicycles lit up beneath Times Square. For a moment, I wanted to be him, that man in some business tucked in some New York nook, attempting to live in a city that knows how to do little else but live and die loudly. I wanted to pick up his newspapers, say hello to his neighbors, and get caught up in the lights that he somehow managed to sleep through at night. I wanted to live his mundane, which seemed far more exciting than my own.

It hit me all at once how afraid I am of living a small life, of waking up every day to a routine I’m ashamed of, of one day looking back and seeing how much potential I let atrophy, how many places I left untouched, not because I had no options, but because I did nothing.

Today I ticked off another box: ‘not doing everything I’ve dreamed of doing.’

That scares me more than I care to say.

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2 comments

  1. Today I read about Russel Stover Chocolates…about the history and part of the process. How people have been doing this for generations. About how nice it would be if my family was generation upon generations of chocolate makers.

    I knew in an instant that I would not be content. I would look upon it as being “sidelined”.

    The end of this great story of God’s children is already known The adversary already knows he will lose. Be defeated.

    It is a numbers game. How many people can he destroy while the earth stands? How many ways are there to BE destroyed and allow others to be destroyed?

    Doing nothing save existing…seems an efficient way of ensuring our own destruction. Ignoring the plight of others. Wearing the blinders. Eat sleep work. Ignore. Exist but not live.

    Ari…I know whereof you speak.

    “Faith in Christ is inextricably tied to, and results in, hope in Christ for our redemption and exaltation. And assurance and hope make it possible for us to walk to the edge of the light and take a few steps into the darkness—expecting and trusting the light to move and illuminate the way. 2 The combination of assurance and hope initiates action in the present.

    Faith as the evidence of things not seen looks to the past and confirms our trust in God and our confidence in the truthfulness of things not seen. We stepped into the darkness with assurance and hope, and we received evidence and confirmation as the light in fact moved and provided the illumination we needed. The witness we obtained after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6) is evidence that enlarges and strengthens our assurance.

    Assurance, action, and evidence influence each other in an ongoing process. This helix is like a coil, and as it spirals upward it expands and widens. These three elements of faith—assurance, action, and evidence—are not separate and discrete; rather, they are interrelated and continuous and cycle upward. And the faith that fuels this ongoing process develops, evolves, and changes. As we again turn and face forward toward an uncertain future, assurance leads to action and produces evidence, which further increases assurance. Our confidence waxes stronger, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little.” Seek Learning By Faith by Elder David A. Bednar