Lately, I’ve been

17854712_1456609961037998_6251635786076278700_o

eating: lots of tacos. I ate six on Cinco de Mayo that were the size of my face and legitimately thought I was going to die. By the end of the summer, I plan on being the Cache Valley white girl taco expert. Thus far, the restaurant formerly known as El Salvador has hands down the best tacos I’ve ever eaten in my life. La Chispita is an okay choice, though, if it’s Taco Tuesday/Thursday and you’re not that far south. The owners are selfless dears, so I’ll recommend them any day.

drinking: too many Swig drinks to count, or should I say highway robberies in a cup, because at least 1/3 of those drinks are ice. Every visit is a sugar rush followed by the bitter taste of having been ripped off. And yet, I can’t stay away, dangit. Suddenly craving one right now…ugh.

reading: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, the Eat, Pray, Love lady. It’s about the importance of ideas and why we should always pursue creative living. I like it so far. It’s really been helping my block.

listening to: NPR. NPR is the best thing on the radio right now. I never walk away from a segment without learning something new or important. I’m almost to the point of donating money to them, which is a very weird, senior citizen-esque thing to do, but they deserve it for their top notch programming.

Aside from NPR, I’ve fallen in love with the following tunes lately (please forgive the messy formatting):

watching: Kubo and the Two Strings. The animation is stunning and the monkey has become one of my favorite animated characters of all time. I also rewatched the last episodes of Stranger Things because it’s the best thing Netflix ever gave to the world. I started watching Schindler’s List, which I thought was thirty years older than it is and therefore had 50 year old FCC standards. It didn’t. It was a very, very big mistake. I was crying into a pillow and very near throwing my guts up in the first thirty minutes. I also have the overwhelming desire to pummel every Nazi that ever lived into the ground. If someone has an edited version of Schindler’s List that I can borrow, hit me up. But maybe don’t, because it’s legitimately the most horrific film I’ve ever partially watched.

doing: aside from work, hiking. I’ve been running to the mountains a lot lately because I’ve had a lot on my mind. I can’t really explain what happens to me when I’m up there. On a trail, my anxiety disappears and I see myself how I really am, blood and bones and insecurities and dreams and all. I’ve spent lots of time chasing trails lately to find myself.

writing: prose and poetry, for the first time in awhile.

wearing: lots of stripes and florals. Literally all of my b&w striped shirts are dirty right now, and I own about five.

looking forward to: promotion. My current employer offered me a pretty neat events planning/marketing position, and I fought it tooth and nail until I suddenly didn’t. I didn’t want to make that choice, but it doesn’t feel like the wrong choice. I’ll be in Logan for about another year unless something dramatic happens. That’s been hard on me, mostly because post-grad life is lonely in Logan, and I’m aching to see more of the world, but I’m excited about the job and the opportunity it will be.

waiting for: some poetry books I ordered from Amazon. I get inordinately excited about Amazon packages being in the mail. It’s almost a letdown when they finally arrive, haha.

struggling with: being real here, loneliness. I haven’t had a Sunday in several weeks when I have not felt achingly lonely. I’ve downplayed it for awhile now, mostly because I don’t know why it’s happening. All I know is that I’ll be sitting in church sometimes and feel like there’s a bottomless ocean inside of me instead of me, like I’m unreachable to everyone somehow. I guess it’s a combination of watching so many people move on and knowing that eventually, that’s what all people do. They get themselves tangled in your life for an exciting moment, and then they move on without you when you were just getting used to the idea of them staying. It’s the saddest thing about being a person.

worried: that I’m either never enough or always too much.

missing: puppies, Washington DC, the boy with the longboard who had an obsession with The Black Keys and made me laugh during silent films freshman year of college, the rush of graduating, my grandpa.

hoping: to find some climbing buddies for the summer, to get back to the gym some day…one day…

learning: that abandoning doing the dishes/eating to write is a bad idea, that endurance is the hardest part about life, that there are times you have to go through hard things alone, that the Savior can carry that burden, incomprehensibly.

wanting: to have a family, to be a mom, to buy a dog, but I can’t. Because landlords.

planning: to visit New York City this winter or save up for Rome. To check off some more parks on my National Park Bucket List. There are 59, you know. That’s no pittance of parks.

hoping: that I’ll figure it all out. One day.

You may also like

1 comment

  1. eating: Previously I have found that the farther north you go, the worse the Mexican food gets. SO glad to see that that is not true in your situation.

    drinking: Swig drinks are addictive. Will proceed on that assumption.

    reading: a dear friend has been giving me profound insights into me, which Heavenly Father then backs up with things I read. Plus I have been reading Disney Animation: The Illusion of Life by Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnson – two of Disney’s Nine Old Men- Walt’s core group of animators.

    listening: YouTube has many sounds of Disneyland. The entrance sound…the Main Street music loop…sounds/effects/banter/music from the rides and attractions…music loops from various lands, the banter from the Disneyland Railroad.

    watching: Disneyland related videos on YouTube. Watching movie trailer reaction videos on YouTube. Old Hopalong Cassidy movies with my Mom and Dad.

    doing: I get part of the same feeling from almost any measure of green with trees…which expands when I can get to an actual park and expands further when I can get to an actual forest and explodes when I can get to a mountain.

    writing: uplifting things for the first time in really long while.

    wearing: I’m a guy…so…whatever is clean. Ish.

    looking forward to: life

    waiting for: responses to some of my efforts.

    struggling with: I hear you. This past Christmas, my Dad was tired at my sister’s place and wanted to go home, but she wouldn’t hear of it, so he laid down on the couch. I sat with him, and Heavenly Father asked me to look around and see if I would have feelings of loss if I was never there again. I looked around, and all I saw was…wood. No emotional attachment to the place. Then my drunk relatives swore at me and called me a “Mormon” (like it was supposed to be an insult) and then two of them punched me…but they punched like lame gerbils. I didn’t even flinch. And then they told me that after my parent’s died I would have no one left because they didn’t ever want to see me again from that moment forward. They were wrong about not having anybody. I just wouldn’t have family.

    worried: not so much. Heavenly Father and my friend with profound insights helped me sort through it all.

    missing: my babies

    hoping: always

    learning: as much as I can everyday

    wanting: my babies…a real wife.

    planning: lots of things

    hoping: always